is grief the price of love?

I know people who, having lost the one they love, vow never to go through that grief again. It's too painful. They shut themselves off from the chance to love again because of the inevitability of loss.

That's a choice, and it's theirs to make, but are they losing more than they are gaining by taking that decision?

Wishing things were different doesn't make them so. The impermanence of everything is a fact and it's what shows us the passage of time amongst other things. The heat of summer gives way to the cold of winter, plants die back to nurture next seasons new seedlings. We, too, are all part of a long chain of generations, each one giving a chance for the next to thrive. 

We can choose to deny ourselves love and the inevitable grief which follows its loss, or we can dive into it and wallow in all the good things it brings knowing that eventually we will be adrift in sadness when it ends. But surely, the reason we are so sad is that we know how much we've both given and gained while we've loved? Should we deny ourselves the joy to save ourselves the pain?

Is grief the price of love? I think so, but, for me, it's a price so worth paying.

embracing our demons

I found the following in one of my notebooks and don't remember where it came from, if you know the original source let me know and apologies if I've plagiarised you 😬

"Many cultures believe that naming their demons takes away their power. In noting and naming our demons we remove their power to own our thoughts and feelings.

Like a man trying to outrun his shadow, trying to evade feelings and sensations is frustrating and ultimately pointless. They will always be with us, but they do not need to own us.

Instead of engaging with them in fear or avoiding them through anxiety, we can take the view that they are all part of our experience and have equal value with what we feel are 'good' feelings. If we welcome them into our consciousness, treating them all equally but neutrally, they lose their threat."

My experience as a therapist taught me that many people are so fearful of their 'demons' that they keep them hidden behind an imaginary curtain, terrified of what they might see if they dare to look behind it. "I don't know what I might find" said jokily but with a strong undercurrent of anxiety was a common phrase I heard. 

A good therapist can help hold that anxiety and fear and support you to draw back the curtain and risk a look. In my practice I always found that the imagined demon was far worse than the real feelings and emotions which were uncovered. There was a palpable sense of relief in the room when a client dared to let go of the exhausting hold they'd had on their demon for so long and see it for what it really was.

There is a metaphorical story about Buddha being tormented by a demon called Mara. Buddha's servant tried to protect him but Buddha said "I see you Mara, come let's have tea". He embraced the challenge and gave it space so he could understand the underlying message it brought without fear. 

We can try to outrun our problems with outlets like food, drink, sex or shopping but are we just replacing one problem with another only to have more problems to face eventually? Can we be brave and accept life in all its forms?

The Guesthouse by Rumi

This human being is a guesthouse.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

the pleasure of nurture

A counselling client once told me she believed middle aged women turn to one of three things: God, guilt or gardening. I choose to garden and in the words of Elvis Costello: It's been a good year for the roses, in fact it's been a great year

Maybe it's a combination of the right weather conditions or maybe I'm learning how to nurture them better, either way they give back so much pleasure for the effort I put in

They also give me the opportunity to spend time slowing down and enjoying not just the end result, but the time spent on looking after them and giving them what they need to be their best....

I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere