When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves

These are unprecedented times and I can't imagine what some people are going through so this post is in no way intended to make light of the crisis in which we find ourselves.

It is just based on my own thoughts and the 'good talking to' I have to give myself every day about the choices I make in dealing with the situation. 

Victor Frankl wrote "between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom".

I have great respect for Victor Frankl, he was a concentration camp survivor and went on to help others find goodness and meaning in life.  In extreme circumstances he made choices about how he was going to respond and live his life. He chose not to be dragged down but to find meaning, even in small things, which gave him courage and, in doing so, power.

We all have that power and it's within reach for us to use. The first few days of this new way of living felt like a holiday to me but then, the more terrifying images and frightening stories I saw, the more doubt and fear crept in. I woke up this morning anxious and planning for worst case scenarios. That's okay, a bit of planning is a good thing but once I'd made my plans I realised I had to put them to one side and live more in the 'now'. It looks like we have a long road ahead of us and as reality bites we will go through many stages, ups and downs in our responses to what we see, hear and experience until we find our own kind of 'normal'.

We are going to go through Tuckman's 'Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing stages of development while we all settle down and begin to handle the uncertainties and difficulties this situation presents. (http://www.mspguide.org/tool/tuckman-forming-norming-storming-performing) After a while though, we will settle as long as we remember that we have a choice about how we respond and that gives us an element of power over the situation. It's my belief that a feeling of powerlessness and lack of control is the most damaging and frightening emotional aspect at the moment.

It may seem trivial to make the following suggestions but I know that for my mental and emotional health this is what I'll be doing in the meantime:

Keeping in contact with friends and family - we are so lucky to have the technology to be able to keep in constant touch and send photos, jokes, messages etc. Imagine what it was like in the past when no-one knew how their loved ones were

Keep exercising - those who were training for events like marathons must be wondering what's hit them and have lots of energy to use up, but the rest of us don't need to become couch potatoes. Once again we are lucky to be able to stream a large and varied amount of exercise classes and apps and, if we stay sensible, the great outdoors is still there for us to enjoy. If you don't go for a walk, take a drive to escape your four walls.

Keep creative - making and mending always keeps my mind off the difficult things in my life and gives my brain a break from worry and anxiety. It doesn't matter what you do or how 'good' the outcome is, it's the process, not the product that counts. Your type of creativity might be to garden, to cook (look online for recipes to use up whatever you have in the cupboard), to write, to pick up something you didn't previously finish - anything will do. Create a blog just for yourself, write down your family history or stories, make a list of all the little jobs you never get around to doing, do things with your children that you used to do as a child with your parents. We suddenly have the time and opportunity we've been craving if we choose to see it that way. 

Keep looking for positives - at least in the Northern hemisphere we're going into Summer and not Winter, the days are getting longer and brighter. I know work still has to be done but if you're confined to homeworking at least you've gained your travel time back so there may be a gap you can fill with something useful or fun.

Above all, stay safe and stay positive. See you on the other side x

Wishing things were different doesn't make them so

'waiting for the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is the same as waiting for a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian' Fritz Perls

I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is unfairness. When we feel we've done the right thing, done our best or done the only thing we could do at the time and others choose to interpret our words or actions in their own way and we come off worse. The temptation is to try and point out their mistake or that they've misunderstood, and then the whole thing escalates. After all, no-one likes to be told they were wrong.

I've had a couple of these incidents in my own life and they've really stung. I've carried them around with me for far longer than I should, and certainly far longer than the other parties have done, lost sleep, felt hurt and, above all, felt the unfairness and the wish for things to be different.

Of course it's made no difference to the outcome. They and I still feel what we feel, and all we've used up is time and energy to end up in exactly the same place we started.

The first time was when a close family member was being cheated on by their partner right in front of me (I employed the offender at the time). My relation asked me outright what was going on and although I told him I worried about the effect my answer would have on our relationship, I shared what I had seen honestly and without embellishment.

Well, he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't believe it and I lost one of the closest and lengthiest relationships I'd ever had. They went on to marry and seem very happy together. So, was I wrong to tell the truth when asked? Dishonesty really doesn't sit well with me and I cared for his wellbeing. But I lost out and the feeling of unfairness lingered for a long time.

On reflection, I guess that perhaps the 'world view' (to use a grand phrase) of the person involved was threatened and they chose to carry on seeing things as they wanted to see them regardless of any evidence to the contrary.

So, I wish things were different but that doesn't make it so. I wish we'd been able to move on and keep our relationship going but that doesn't make it so. I can only say that I wouldn't do it any differently so maybe I have to accept the consequences. Equally I must own the fact that I'm the one writing about these events and those involved have probably forgotten they happened. Although I feel I've 'put them to bed' in my own mind, they still intrigue me as examples of human behaviour.