Wishing things were different doesn't make them so

'waiting for the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is the same as waiting for a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian' Fritz Perls

I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is unfairness. When we feel we've done the right thing, done our best or done the only thing we could do at the time and others choose to interpret our words or actions in their own way and we come off worse. The temptation is to try and point out their mistake or that they've misunderstood, and then the whole thing escalates. After all, no-one likes to be told they were wrong.

I've had a couple of these incidents in my own life and they've really stung. I've carried them around with me for far longer than I should, and certainly far longer than the other parties have done, lost sleep, felt hurt and, above all, felt the unfairness and the wish for things to be different.

Of course it's made no difference to the outcome. They and I still feel what we feel, and all we've used up is time and energy to end up in exactly the same place we started.

The first time was when a close family member was being cheated on by their partner right in front of me (I employed the offender at the time). My relation asked me outright what was going on and although I told him I worried about the effect my answer would have on our relationship, I shared what I had seen honestly and without embellishment.

Well, he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't believe it and I lost one of the closest and lengthiest relationships I'd ever had. They went on to marry and seem very happy together. So, was I wrong to tell the truth when asked? Dishonesty really doesn't sit well with me and I cared for his wellbeing. But I lost out and the feeling of unfairness lingered for a long time.

On reflection, I guess that perhaps the 'world view' (to use a grand phrase) of the person involved was threatened and they chose to carry on seeing things as they wanted to see them regardless of any evidence to the contrary.

So, I wish things were different but that doesn't make it so. I wish we'd been able to move on and keep our relationship going but that doesn't make it so. I can only say that I wouldn't do it any differently so maybe I have to accept the consequences. Equally I must own the fact that I'm the one writing about these events and those involved have probably forgotten they happened. Although I feel I've 'put them to bed' in my own mind, they still intrigue me as examples of human behaviour.