When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves

These are unprecedented times and I can't imagine what some people are going through so this post is in no way intended to make light of the crisis in which we find ourselves.

It is just based on my own thoughts and the 'good talking to' I have to give myself every day about the choices I make in dealing with the situation. 

Victor Frankl wrote "between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom".

I have great respect for Victor Frankl, he was a concentration camp survivor and went on to help others find goodness and meaning in life.  In extreme circumstances he made choices about how he was going to respond and live his life. He chose not to be dragged down but to find meaning, even in small things, which gave him courage and, in doing so, power.

We all have that power and it's within reach for us to use. The first few days of this new way of living felt like a holiday to me but then, the more terrifying images and frightening stories I saw, the more doubt and fear crept in. I woke up this morning anxious and planning for worst case scenarios. That's okay, a bit of planning is a good thing but once I'd made my plans I realised I had to put them to one side and live more in the 'now'. It looks like we have a long road ahead of us and as reality bites we will go through many stages, ups and downs in our responses to what we see, hear and experience until we find our own kind of 'normal'.

We are going to go through Tuckman's 'Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing stages of development while we all settle down and begin to handle the uncertainties and difficulties this situation presents. (http://www.mspguide.org/tool/tuckman-forming-norming-storming-performing) After a while though, we will settle as long as we remember that we have a choice about how we respond and that gives us an element of power over the situation. It's my belief that a feeling of powerlessness and lack of control is the most damaging and frightening emotional aspect at the moment.

It may seem trivial to make the following suggestions but I know that for my mental and emotional health this is what I'll be doing in the meantime:

Keeping in contact with friends and family - we are so lucky to have the technology to be able to keep in constant touch and send photos, jokes, messages etc. Imagine what it was like in the past when no-one knew how their loved ones were

Keep exercising - those who were training for events like marathons must be wondering what's hit them and have lots of energy to use up, but the rest of us don't need to become couch potatoes. Once again we are lucky to be able to stream a large and varied amount of exercise classes and apps and, if we stay sensible, the great outdoors is still there for us to enjoy. If you don't go for a walk, take a drive to escape your four walls.

Keep creative - making and mending always keeps my mind off the difficult things in my life and gives my brain a break from worry and anxiety. It doesn't matter what you do or how 'good' the outcome is, it's the process, not the product that counts. Your type of creativity might be to garden, to cook (look online for recipes to use up whatever you have in the cupboard), to write, to pick up something you didn't previously finish - anything will do. Create a blog just for yourself, write down your family history or stories, make a list of all the little jobs you never get around to doing, do things with your children that you used to do as a child with your parents. We suddenly have the time and opportunity we've been craving if we choose to see it that way. 

Keep looking for positives - at least in the Northern hemisphere we're going into Summer and not Winter, the days are getting longer and brighter. I know work still has to be done but if you're confined to homeworking at least you've gained your travel time back so there may be a gap you can fill with something useful or fun.

Above all, stay safe and stay positive. See you on the other side x

Wishing things were different doesn't make them so

'waiting for the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is the same as waiting for a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian' Fritz Perls

I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is unfairness. When we feel we've done the right thing, done our best or done the only thing we could do at the time and others choose to interpret our words or actions in their own way and we come off worse. The temptation is to try and point out their mistake or that they've misunderstood, and then the whole thing escalates. After all, no-one likes to be told they were wrong.

I've had a couple of these incidents in my own life and they've really stung. I've carried them around with me for far longer than I should, and certainly far longer than the other parties have done, lost sleep, felt hurt and, above all, felt the unfairness and the wish for things to be different.

Of course it's made no difference to the outcome. They and I still feel what we feel, and all we've used up is time and energy to end up in exactly the same place we started.

The first time was when a close family member was being cheated on by their partner right in front of me (I employed the offender at the time). My relation asked me outright what was going on and although I told him I worried about the effect my answer would have on our relationship, I shared what I had seen honestly and without embellishment.

Well, he didn't/wouldn't/couldn't believe it and I lost one of the closest and lengthiest relationships I'd ever had. They went on to marry and seem very happy together. So, was I wrong to tell the truth when asked? Dishonesty really doesn't sit well with me and I cared for his wellbeing. But I lost out and the feeling of unfairness lingered for a long time.

On reflection, I guess that perhaps the 'world view' (to use a grand phrase) of the person involved was threatened and they chose to carry on seeing things as they wanted to see them regardless of any evidence to the contrary.

So, I wish things were different but that doesn't make it so. I wish we'd been able to move on and keep our relationship going but that doesn't make it so. I can only say that I wouldn't do it any differently so maybe I have to accept the consequences. Equally I must own the fact that I'm the one writing about these events and those involved have probably forgotten they happened. Although I feel I've 'put them to bed' in my own mind, they still intrigue me as examples of human behaviour.

perspective is everything

If you and I both witnessed a traffic accident and were asked to give our accounts in court, they'd vary. Not because one of us would be wrong, but because we all see things differently. We all see things from our own point of view, our own perspective.

Was the car green or blue, was it travelling at 30 or 40 miles an hour, did the car indicate? Well, it depends where the witness was standing, their colour sense, what else was on their mind, maybe even what they had for breakfast...who knows? Where you are looking from defines what you see and that includes your emotional, mental and physical position.

Because we all are a product of our upbringing and experiences we can't all expect to see things in the same way. When life events occur all our influences come to bear, including culture, schooling, echoes of previous experiences and even our position in the birth order of our family. The first born, or only child will often see things differently in adulthood than a second, middle or last born child. 

It is a common mistake that we should see things the same way and that one way (usually our way) is better than another. Logically, of course, this can't happen, we can't all be right all the time but it's so hard to let go of our determination to believe that our way is the best and only way to see things. So much time is wasted trying to persuade others around to our point of view when they clearly don't share it, and why do we feel so anxious to make everyone feel like we do?

Perhaps it's a need to try and control our environment and keep some sort of order but it seems like a lot of effort when we could just agree to differ and move on. Just how much does it really matter if we all see things differently? That difference enriches our world and it would stagnate if artists, activists, children, friends and enemies alike didn't ask us to stop and reconsider our viewpoint.

Finally, I think it's worth remembering that when someone is frustrating you with their inability to 'move on' or deal with an event, they are probably seeing something that you're not, something that isn't finished or over. They are seeing something from their own, unique perspective.

make do and mend

I love a bit of upcycling, have a look at my other blog www.ilovemyhomeblogspot.co.uk for examples of other items I've salvaged from certain death

I picked up this chair in a sorry state, broken and battered, unloved and unwanted, but so unusual. A corner seat perfect for my hall

Scroll down for the reveal!

and here she is in all her new finery,

mended and refinished and, above all, useful again

next up, two very similar chests of drawers, again bought for a snip but I could see lots of potential and no mending needed which is always a bonus

so, after many coats of paint, wax, distressing etc. here they are

once again, restored and useful - what more could anyone want?

I took a quick mental wander through my home the other day and realised there is virtually nothing that is new, everything was rescued, lovingly restored and unique

I love the fact that I created so much myself, exactly as I wanted it.

What a privilege

what gardening teaches us

where to start? I'm not even going to bother with how to grow and nurture...let's go a bit deeper:

patience - obviously plants take time to grow and need you to invest in their care

 

commitment - putting a seed in the ground is the very beginning, if you walk away at that point, something might happen, but if you want success you need to be committed

impermanence - the natural world keeps reminding us that nothing lasts for ever and some things don't last long at all. We have to fully experience them while they are here and feel gratitude in the memory when they're gone....and we need to keep learning this over and over...

creativity - if a hundred gardeners were given the same materials, plants and plot, one hundred different gardens would be created. There is no limit to creativity.

immersion - call it forest bathing, forest church or whatever you like, being surrounded by nature in all it's forms - weather, wildlife, fragrance, colour, tactile sensations, space - is a super-sensory experience. Dive in or lay back but enjoy it all. By now, we all know it's essential for every area of health, self-care and wellbeing.

So much more to say, but don't forget art, engineering, design, mechanics, biology, zoology, botany, mycology, above all just get your fingers in the earth and enjoy x

some things take time...

.. to come together in my brain. This one was a slow burn - and then some...

For years I've admired Gustavian furniture especially bureau bookcases like this one from Blanchard Collective.com

and years ago I bought one for a song at auction. I painted and distressed it and it lived for a while in my bedroom and then the living room but was always just a decorative piece that I used to show off other items.

Last Sunday I watched the final episode of Gentleman Jack 

and there she was in Copenhagen writing at a beautiful Gustavian bureau bookcase and I suddenly thought 'it's meant for using, why don't I ever write at it?' No sooner thought than done...

I managed to squeeze a little writing corner between a picture window and a skylight so the daylight is perfect. My laptop fits on it neatly, I moved the chair (another of my creations) from the hall because I'm working on another item for that spot (more on that later) and it still houses many of my lovely old books. 

The object behind the chair is our log box on wheels which is next to the fireplace so this will be a cosy corner in the winter too.

There's a link to it here if you'd like to see more:

http://ilovemyhomeblog.blogspot.com/2016/08/cuter-n-little-red-wagon.html

as you can see it's only a little corner squeezed alongside one of the sofas but it really works for me and it only took an embarrassing number of years and a prompt from the fabulous Miss Lister to get right 😳! But, you know what? It doesn't matter, everything is constantly in a state of flux and I love it! Change is good, I get inspiration from everywhere and it's all about the process not the product - right?

is grief the price of love?

I know people who, having lost the one they love, vow never to go through that grief again. It's too painful. They shut themselves off from the chance to love again because of the inevitability of loss.

That's a choice, and it's theirs to make, but are they losing more than they are gaining by taking that decision?

Wishing things were different doesn't make them so. The impermanence of everything is a fact and it's what shows us the passage of time amongst other things. The heat of summer gives way to the cold of winter, plants die back to nurture next seasons new seedlings. We, too, are all part of a long chain of generations, each one giving a chance for the next to thrive. 

We can choose to deny ourselves love and the inevitable grief which follows its loss, or we can dive into it and wallow in all the good things it brings knowing that eventually we will be adrift in sadness when it ends. But surely, the reason we are so sad is that we know how much we've both given and gained while we've loved? Should we deny ourselves the joy to save ourselves the pain?

Is grief the price of love? I think so, but, for me, it's a price so worth paying.

embracing our demons

I found the following in one of my notebooks and don't remember where it came from, if you know the original source let me know and apologies if I've plagiarised you 😬

"Many cultures believe that naming their demons takes away their power. In noting and naming our demons we remove their power to own our thoughts and feelings.

Like a man trying to outrun his shadow, trying to evade feelings and sensations is frustrating and ultimately pointless. They will always be with us, but they do not need to own us.

Instead of engaging with them in fear or avoiding them through anxiety, we can take the view that they are all part of our experience and have equal value with what we feel are 'good' feelings. If we welcome them into our consciousness, treating them all equally but neutrally, they lose their threat."

My experience as a therapist taught me that many people are so fearful of their 'demons' that they keep them hidden behind an imaginary curtain, terrified of what they might see if they dare to look behind it. "I don't know what I might find" said jokily but with a strong undercurrent of anxiety was a common phrase I heard. 

A good therapist can help hold that anxiety and fear and support you to draw back the curtain and risk a look. In my practice I always found that the imagined demon was far worse than the real feelings and emotions which were uncovered. There was a palpable sense of relief in the room when a client dared to let go of the exhausting hold they'd had on their demon for so long and see it for what it really was.

There is a metaphorical story about Buddha being tormented by a demon called Mara. Buddha's servant tried to protect him but Buddha said "I see you Mara, come let's have tea". He embraced the challenge and gave it space so he could understand the underlying message it brought without fear. 

We can try to outrun our problems with outlets like food, drink, sex or shopping but are we just replacing one problem with another only to have more problems to face eventually? Can we be brave and accept life in all its forms?

The Guesthouse by Rumi

This human being is a guesthouse.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

the pleasure of nurture

A counselling client once told me she believed middle aged women turn to one of three things: God, guilt or gardening. I choose to garden and in the words of Elvis Costello: It's been a good year for the roses, in fact it's been a great year

Maybe it's a combination of the right weather conditions or maybe I'm learning how to nurture them better, either way they give back so much pleasure for the effort I put in

They also give me the opportunity to spend time slowing down and enjoying not just the end result, but the time spent on looking after them and giving them what they need to be their best....

I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere